I have drawn the line and this time I am not looking back. Writing it doesn’t make it sound any less combative than saying it even though I am not trying to be combative at all. Rather, I am standing behind my decision to stop hiding in the background.
For years, I was so afraid of not being accepted or liked that I stuffed myself, my true self deep down inside so that I didn’t make any waves. I know, and knew then too, why I did this; my desire to want to fit in, belong and not be teased or made fun of. All through my school years I did not fit it, I did not belong and I was made fun of. Rather than take a stand or do what I really deep down wanted to do/say/wear/go I just tried to blend in to the background; if I was quite enough no one would notice me……
Unfortunately, this mentality followed me into adulthood. The (bad) choices in boyfriends (if you can’t beat ‘em; join ‘em), the things I allowed myself to be witness to or part of were mostly so that I could somehow fit in somewhere and people would like me.
I always feel like I don’t fit in even with “friends” because I didn’t look or act like them or wear as much jewelry or make up or my hair wasn’t perfect. If I were anyone else but myself then I’d fit in…….. Oh for years I have played this game with myself. But the line’s drawn and this time I am not looking back.
The Light Bulb Moment
I have heard countless times that as Christians we are to be in this world but not “of” this world. I got it but yet I didn’t get it, you know what I mean? I needed what I call a “light bulb moment” That moment of true revelation when something sinks in deep down and you know it’s Truth. Then, not too long ago, I heard it this way – “Just because the world tells you it’s wrong doesn’t mean it is.” And …. if your friends and family think you’ve lost your mind; then you’re probably on the right track with God’s plan. Of course this was all in the context of hearing from the Lord, knowing what is right in His eyes and living your life the way He is calling you to live it. Please don’t confuse what I’m saying with the mantra “if it feels good do it.” Or “It’s my life I’ll live the way I want to.” Those are worldly views; not godly views.
I am not talking about acting holier than thou. God knows I have made mistakes, I made them last month, I made them last week…..yesterday……come to think of it I just made some earlier today. I’m also not talking about being dismissive or arrogant like thinking “my way is right and you are wrong” (and I sometimes struggle with that!) or even loudly proclaiming your said opinion/belief/viewpoint/etc. There is a time and a place to make a statement; to make your beliefs known but I think more often it’s about living out your beliefs, callings, feelings and viewpoints in your everyday life in an unapologetic but humble way.
Case in point. I am not a fan of McDonald’s. I was; not so long ago but I have seen what a chicken nugget looks like before it comes through the drive-thru window and……well enough on that. So when my husband’s cousin recently suggested we stop at McDonald’s for lunch I simply replied with a “How about Wendy’s instead.” Ok, now don’t shoot me, Wendy’s isn’t much better but there I can get a baked potato which is at least slightly less denatured than the chicken and beef at McDonald’s and I LOVE their Apple Walnut Salad…yum! The “old me” would have gone along with McDonald’s as to not offend or make made the driver who was kind enough to take me for groceries since our truck was in the shop. But I politely made a suggestion that worked out for both of us; quick food on the run that I felt slightly more comfortable. I realize this is a minor situation that of course had no moral application but I think you see the point.
I know what God has called me to do. I know the passions I have from Him and He wants me to succeed and grow in those areas. I finally like me; all of me. The way I think, the way I look, the way I act, the way I can’t back up the mower with the garden cart attached to it to save my life. I still like me. God made me this way and if He likes me how dare I try to be someone else.
I am no living to please anyone else but Jesus; after all He is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. I know what God has called me to in motherhood, my marriage and my home and with His help I will succeed. No more blending into the background. No more hiding in the corner hoping to go unnoticed. This is me; this is how I was made.
Until Next Time,